shut up and take my money
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Wise advice
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Succinctly put.