Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Where’s my employee discount too?

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

and now we wait

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*