The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
new career option?
