The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
You Might Also Like
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
A new level of troll.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man