Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

This week’s mood.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.