The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My favorite type of men is ramen.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
We’re all getting idioter.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why