The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.