The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
“what that mouth do?” complain
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting