The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Heroic Misunderstanding
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
😾
Admin smashed it 😂
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”