Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business