Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I stand by it

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

He a real one for that

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*