The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
applying for a new job
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today