the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
B
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
