Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

😂

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away