The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
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I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
bout dat hot dog summer
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher