The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again