The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.