Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.