The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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