The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
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my astrological sign is a french fry
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“what that mouth do?” complain
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
