The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.