Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Cannot stop laughing at this

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”