The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you