The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You Might Also Like
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
