The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You Might Also Like
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I love wikipedia
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Who called it baking and not making love
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids