The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Put the is in disheveled
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Tapped in
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
