The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
About to throw up
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*