Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

good work, everybody

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

choose your fighter

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”