The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Meat Cute
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Jupiter
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.