The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
so weird how every mom was born today
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?