Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

That time Alicia messaged me

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Morning all.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’