The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You Might Also Like
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
#Caturday
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started