the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
You Might Also Like
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
long lost
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’