Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Sorry. Not sorry

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.