@jazz_inmypants

[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb

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@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@brianbowman73

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

@NotUrGumar

Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad

@violinbug

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

@VerbsRProudest

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

@TweetPotato314

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

@SnarkyMommy78

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story