The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.