Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]
Orville: *taking off his shoes*
Wilbur: um what are u doing
Orville: what if i have a bomb
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At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock