[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb

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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.


At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.


Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.


Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad


people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice


Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous


boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes


11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one


The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story