Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.