The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.