The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.