The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
A wise man once said nothing.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.