The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I have obtained a hat
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
i’m so old i’m almost back in style