The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
You Might Also Like
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.