The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
You Might Also Like
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.