Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅