The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month