The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
