The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
