The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
