Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

It be like that sometimes 😆

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.