Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

#JohnTravolta

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

こいつ天才

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”