Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Incredible customer service.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.