[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The biggest mystery of our time
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
what’s in a name?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.