[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste


moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius


having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex


Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.


Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting


I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!