@tastefactory

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

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@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@PickleRudd

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

@notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@daplusk

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.