[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.


She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.


I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.


A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice


chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?


[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol


Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas


A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.


Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.