@tastefactory

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

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@kbnoswag

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!