[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The Struggle
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.