Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

my retirement plan is braless

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.