Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist