Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”