The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
You Might Also Like
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Wolves should really raise more people.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
This is amazing.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”