Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I need a headline like this

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

sure, why not

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.