Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

realest tweet ever.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.