Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

🤣🤣

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.