Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

In banana years, I am bread.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Blew my mind.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.