The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
