Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her: