The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind