The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
This kid will have a bright future.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.