The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
No one can handle that
The absolute effort that went into this omg