the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
