Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.