Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Covert ops

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Stop