The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Who.
Did.
This?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.