The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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It be like that sometimes 😆
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.