The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
I’m the neighbor
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.