The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Do not levitate over flowers
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.