The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Florida be like…
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
i wish i could marry a nap
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My current situation
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick