Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

that de-escalated quickly

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.