Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Terribly Tuesday.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny