Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Me as a therapist: omg same

My birth announcement for our third baby

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!