Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

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