Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

ㅤ

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.