Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath