The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.